Charisma

I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage lately. Commitment. How do people stay together? I’ve talked about the whole idea of marriage with friends, fellow mamas, coworkers, highly paid therapists and counselors. My God, it seems to be on the tip of everyone’s tongue, at the top of everyone’s blog.

I’ve got friends in unhappy marriages, a friend going through a divorce, a set of couple friends who are pregnant but are leaning toward not getting married. I’ve got friends in relatively happy marriages who are just lonely and ready to get back into the upswing again. There will be another upswing, won’t there? Yes, I think there will. That’s what keeps us holding on, right? If we’ve got a good thing going, we want to stay together. In the end, we want to be right there. Together.

The consensus seems to be that, outside of how well-suited two people are, separate from how loveable and wonderful a partner can be, completely independent of how much you really do LOVE your sweetheart, marriage is hard. Living together is work.

Motherfucker.

Shouldn’t someone have told us that when we were in our twenties and falling hard? Oh, wait. They did. The problem is you don’t GET it when you’re falling hard. And who listens when they’re only 25? I didn’t.

I have friends who are single and it’s a mystery to me as to why. They’re beautiful, handsome, intelligent, creative, heady, deeply and darkly funny; they’re wonderful. I love these people. Yet they feel alone. By society’s definition, they are alone. And I know men and women who are crawling with suitors, I know newlyweds, I know folks who have been married for twenty-plus years. And you know what? Sometimes they feel lonely too. More than just sometimes, in fact. Maybe that’s just part of the human condition. Maybe we just need to figure out how to be lonely without having to turn over the whole apple cart.

Before I dive into some ridiculous analysis of what it takes to make it work (as if I knew) I think I better start at the beginning. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes… But what comes before love? Something has to happen before you’re willing to go there. What is that?

Is it charisma? Could it be that simple?

cha•ris•ma: Personal magnetism or charm; a rare personal quality attributed to leaders who arouse fervent popular devotion and enthusiasm;

Bill Clinton has it. The Beatles had it. Elvis. Hitler. Ted Bundy. Jack the Ripper, for all we know. The girl at the library, the guy in the coffee shop: They’ve got it. Why? Who knows? It has nothing to do with being good-looking, nothing to do with how smart you are. Either you’ve got it or you don’t. Whatever it is, maybe that’s all that amounts to the difference between folks.

If you have it, you meet people wherever you go and it’s so easy. You decide you’re ready, you fall in love, you get married, you have kids, and from time to time, you feel lonely.

And if you don’t have it, you decide you’re young enough, you keep dating, you spend time with your friends, you keep searching, and from time to time, you feel lonely.

In the end, we’re all right there. Together.