The guzzler gene

I'm not a role model.  I'm a role villain.—Marilyn Manson

The other day my sister texted me to report that her eight year old son suffers from the same horrible mouth ulcers she suffered from as a little girl. They’re nothing serious, but really uncomfortable. For her, they seem to have been the result of food sensitivities mostly, triggered by acidic foods like orange juice or salsa, which she loved. “Way to pass on the good genes,” I responded.

It was a timely response considering she had been taunting me mercilessly just the day before for the fact that I have clearly passed on what we call “the guzzler gene” to my son.

If you have the guzzler gene, it is responsible for your inability to daintily sip anything. Instead you gulp, slug, slurp and knock back any liquid you encounter as quickly as humanly possible. And you enjoy it immensely. And you immediately want more. You can’t wait for more. Those of us cursed with the guzzler gene love to drink. It’s a wonderful, wonderful thing to enjoy the thrill of a fluid as it passes through your gullet. Who in their right mind can make a cup of tea last more than ten minutes? I could probably down nearly a bottle of wine in the time it takes proper folks to finish a cup of tea.

Water, tea, soda, juice, lemonade, milk, chocolate milk, strawberry milk, eggnog, coffee, iced coffee, beer, wine, liquor. The list of alcoholic beverages is endless. Sports drinks, Kool-Aid, smoothies, shakes, malts, floats. It goes on and on. They all have their individual merits. And they are all delicious. Yummy drinkie goodness.

Last night, as I was contemplating what I might have to write about the guzzler gene, I asked Eli if he thought he had it.

“Eli, do you have the guzzler gene?”

“Oh yeah,” he said without hesitation. “It’s so GOOD though. It’s totally worth it.”

It is good. He’s got me there. But is it worth it? If you’re trying to watch calories you can waste a ton of calories on beverages in exchange for little to no nutritional value. Outside of making your own fresh fruit and veggie juices or smoothies, I can’t think of a drink that’s really good for you. And although downing large quantities of alcohol quickly has proven really easy for me to do, I think we can all agree that it is not good for me. What’s good about it then?

I can easily consume the recommended 64 ounces of water per day. No problem. So I’ve got that going for me. But I can’t think of much else this “gene” affords me. Is it a gene? Let’s not be absurd. But for the sake of argument, let’s pretend something gene-like does exists. A propensity to guzzle, let’s say. If something like that does exist, could I have passed it down to Eli? Could my sister really have passed down a mouth ulcer gene? It seems preposterous but most of the mothers I know and some fathers too do indeed worry that we are responsible, if not guilt-ridden, for the personality traits, afflictions and bad habits that befall our children. And on the other side of the coin, we love to take responsibility for the good traits too.

Do your kids talk in their sleep? Bite their fingernails? Are they anxious? Stubborn? Do they have a sweet tooth? Do they love animals, love to sleep? Are they super shy? Super outgoing? In a Prevention magazine article, “Are your Kids Wearing Your Genes,” Ellen Michaud reports that “in general, population studies suggest that almost every psychological trait a child has is only about 50% inherited and 50% shaped by environment.” So if Eli wasn’t genetically predisposed to guzzling, then he learned it by observing me. Great. Either way I’m at fault.

Sarcasm aside, I think there’s a huge case to be made for modeling good behavior. If the odds are 50-50 that you’re going to pass down a bad habit, you’ve also got a 50-50 shot at allowing your environment to shape your kids’ behavior. As much as we’re passing down habits and tendencies, we’re also passing down a model for how to handle them. So as much as I might want to swill a bottle of wine this evening, I will compose myself and make a better choice, like proper folks. Tea, anyone?