Imposing Gender Roles and Perpetuating Stereotypes

Are girls instinctively maternal and affectionate? Are boys intuitively coarse and violent? Most child psychologists warn us to be aware of gender stereotyping so we can avoid pushing our kids to be anything they’re not. We should praise little boys for being sensitive and empathetic, let them know it’s OK to cry. Likewise, we should not push our girls to be any more “lady-like” than their brothers. There seems to be a niche market of psychotherapy devoted entirely to gender roles and stereotyping and how parents can “help” their children grow up to be the best they can be.

When I was in college, I bristled when anyone said anything to even remotely imply that men were say, stronger, or women were say, gentler. And as someone who definitely has some feminist tendencies, it still gets my hackles up a tad. But after spending a lot of time with a lot of little boys and a lot of little girls, I must admit I see how the stereotype was born.

We recently babysat my niece and nephew and I witnessed the following exchange between them. At the risk of being politically incorrect or just plain wrong, I will not attempt to analyze or pontificate. I simply present it to you as it happened. Mary is a 4 year-old girl and Davis is her 6 year-old brother. They were playing in Alena Mae's room.

Mary (gasping as she discovered several tiny pairs of Alena Mae's shoes):

"Oh! Davis, look!"

Davis (ignoring her completely, while he tried to figure out how the lever to Lena's crib works to raise and lower the front railing):

…

Mary:

"Oh! Davis, look at these tiny shoes. They're so little. And shiny. Look at Alena's shoes."

Davis (completely undeterred):

...

Mary:

"Davis, Davis, Daavis, look. Davis, Daavis, Daaavis, DaaaaVIS."

Davis (exasperated):

"WHAT. What, Mary?"

Mary (thrilled that he finally answered):

"Davis, which shoes do you like better? The yellow ones or the black ones?"

Davis (focused intently on the crib):

"They both look good."

Of course, it’s hilarious. It’s a precursor to most of the marriages I know. But it doesn’t really MEAN anything. Does it? My own children don’t seem to fit into these stereotypes.

Lena’s got a temper and can be a brute when it comes to getting her way. And I have been surprised at my reaction to her “masculine” assertions. She doesn't hesitate to shove Elias when he’s in her way. She has screamed outright at boys twice her age when provoked. Recently, she held her own at the park when she and our friend Hayden squabbled over gravel-rights.

Obviously I have some disciplining to do and I do always try to take the appropriate action. The point is, I have been relieved at the need to correct her. Perhaps on some level, I believe her brazen I-don’t-mind-getting-in-your-face attitude will get her out of trouble should she someday find herself in a difficult situation in a back seat or at some frat party. I wonder whether I squash her aggression far less than I would if she were a boy. If she were a boy, would I be worried he was a bully? Would I be doing my best to make sure he kept his aggression under control?

My boy, on the other hand, is so gentle. He likes to put on powder and lipstick when he sees me doing it. He loves music and painting. He has a baby doll and he takes good care of it. Who cares? What I do care about is the fact that Eli always seems to be the one shoved or hit at playgroup. He is rarely (if ever) a physical offender. With him, I work hard not to come to his rescue too soon or at all. Making sure he stands up for himself has been a concern of ours as his initial reaction when someone assaults him has always been to cry and retreat. I want to make sure he can stand up for himself. I watch and prompt him to take care of the issue on his own. If he were a girl, would I work as hard to make sure she was tough enough?

I may be inadvertently imposing gender roles on my children simply by virtue of how I respond to these situations, how I perceive them even. I’m trying really hard not to. But I’m also keeping notes and saving money for their future therapist.

You know - whatever I can do to “help.”